When we got pregnant for the first time last December and lost the baby a few weeks later, we were devastated. Miscarriage wasn’t on my radar, it wasn’t something I knew much about. I very quickly learned that it can happen to anyone, no matter your age or how healthy you are. While grieving our first loss, I found myself wondering if there would be a second. (You can read all about our miscarriage here.)
I touched upon this a bit in our pregnancy announcement and my first trimester recap, but I feel I should go into a bit more detail in case any of you have this weighing on your heart.
How I’ve felt during this pregnancy:
After miscarrying once, I don’t think the fear of it happening again will ever go away. Not with this pregnancy, and probably not with any future pregnancies either. The first 2 months were probably my most worrisome. I would check for blood each time I went to the bathroom, I was nervous to workout too intensely or lift a heavy box (even though I know that isn’t what causes miscarriage). I was more nervous than excited for our ultrasound appointments, but felt I could breathe easier after we saw our sweet little babe on the screen.
I noticed myself counting little milestones. We made it to 4 weeks (actually, that’s when I found out we were pregnant again!), then 8, 10, 14, 16 and so on. People have asked if there was a point in which the worry went away. The answer is no, but the worry has lessened a ton, and excitement has taken over.
For me, what happened after our miscarriage is that I was so nervous it would happen again that I didn’t allow myself to feel extreme joy or too connected to this baby for quite some time. When we made it into the second trimester I did feel a bit of relief but I also know several people who have miscarried well into the second trimester and so I never let myself think that we were “in the clear.”
I’ve talked to mothers who have also miscarried and they say that you don’t feel 100% certain and worry-free until that baby is in your arms. And by then, of course, a whole new set of newborn and parenting worries come to rise!
I’m writing this during the last week of my second trimester and I will say that we are so, so excited. I don’t think about miscarrying as often as I did a few months ago (which was probably every day for a little while there). I’ve let my heart open up and feel the joy of becoming a mama to this little baby. I’m decorating the nursery and starting to envision us in it with baby even more now.
To anyone who has miscarried and is either pregnant again or thinking of trying again, the worry and fear won’t go away. But know that is normal, it’s you protecting yourself and the child you’ll eventually hold. It’s you being a protective, fierce mama. You can and will experience the joy and love of being pregnant again but it will take time. The process has its ups and downs but you are strong enough to handle it and you’re allowed to feel every single feeling that comes to you.
We won’t ever forget our first pregnancy and I’ll always wonder who that baby would’ve grown up to be. Now though, it’s time to get ready for our son or daughter to make it’s way into this world and to show it all of the love our hearts can possibly hold and then some. I can’t wait.